I always start the month of January out with the best New Years resolution intensions. Work out, eat healthy/less, in summary loose weight. I usually start January out strong… Wait strike that, I usually start out eating my body weight in greasy cheep Mexican Food because of the New Years Eve hang-over I am nursing… Darn Champaign! Ok, so by January 3 or 4^th (so maybe there are a few days of… “This is my last meal at KFC bucket” and/or “This is my last Doritos wrapped taco”) I am really rolling on my goal of eating packaged salads and trying all the Pinterest recipes I have pinned on my “Healthy Life” board. Then it happens… On my way into the grocery store to by organic Quinoa and Grass-Fed, Free-Roaming, Petted-10-Times-Daily Beef I see them…. Those darn little temptress in green, with their darn merit patches that you know most of their Mom’s did the real work for…. That’s right, Hater gonna hate! I smile at them and answer their question “I’ll see on my way out”. But what I want to really do is go up to their little brown folding table, with the homemade glitter poster-board sign and make it rain dollar bills. That’s right little Girl Scout, you can close down shop, Mamma is buying all your stash (you can freeze them, right?)! But then I remember my mission… Eat healthy, loose weight, stop my inner thighs from rubbing together, wear a two piece bathing suit this summer… But the obsession has just peeked it ugly head, I know it, that deceptive Girl Scout knows it too. She saw me coming in and knew right away that I am her perfect target market, in my LuLu Lemon yoga outfit that has obviously never seen the inside of a yoga studio. So for the next 23 minutes I am in the grocery store I will think about that little Girl Scout who is so kindly taking extra tip money to send cookies to military overseas. So sweet and so darn evil! The Girl Scouts of America Organization is a well thought-out machine. They know by the second week of January all us New Years trend dieters are sick of eating kale and the thought of one more meal replacement shake makes us want to cry. It does not take much to push us over the edge.  We are all living on the edge! They know it and they pray on us using glitter signs. So on my way out I buy a few boxes; after all I did promise the sweet little girl that I might… I can hardly walk past her now and not buy anything. Plus cookies will be really fun treats for the kids after they eat all their kale dinner salads (two lies, one sentence). The reality is that my kids will scream child abuse about the kale and say that I am trying to poison and starve them and when they have almost reached the brink of starvation… And literally just seconds before a relief worker from Feed The Children International knocks on my door I will give in and make my darling children Kraft Mac & Cheese… in the microwave (don’t judge I will mix the power cheese with organic milk). But what the kids don’t know is that I have the Girl Scout cookies hidden in the trunk of my car, sweet sweet Girl Scout Cookies.  And now after Kale World War III (Yes, there have been two others) there is now way in H-E-Double Hockey Sticks that I am giving them one lick of a Tagalong. They don’t deserve them, but do you know who does ME! I have busted my butt all day and all I want is just one (ok, maybe three) Peanut Butter Patties. I’ve been to war and back… I deserve a Caramel deLites or two. It all starts out pretty innocent…. Just open one and have a few, but that’s also how all epic hangovers start. So here we go… it’s party time for Mommy. It’s also time to go down the thrilling zero self-control or self-respect spiral slide straight into GS Cookie heaven and hell. You know the feeling… It’s the same feeling you get when you walk into Cracker Barrel, don’t act like you don’t know. Now I’ve never done Crystal Meth but I’ve seen enough Breaking Bad to know that there is something called “chasing the white dragon”, which in straight-laced middle America lingo means, trying to achieve the ultimate feeling again, chasing the sense of nirvana. The high that you get the first time you smoke meth or take a bite of a Thin Mint or a Do-si-dos. So I sit there alone in my kitchen and for a brief moment I am truly happy… I would say it is like the feeling you have after really great sex, but since we are being honest here… it’s better, you don’t have to take a shower afterwards. But the feeling is too short lived so you literally HAVE to keep shoveling cookies in your mouth like a clean Cookie Monster… Yum Cookies Good! Me not waste cookies by eating messy! Me no want cookie crumbs in my Dyson!  After there is not a crumb of cookie or dignity left in the kitchen and about 3 seconds after the final minty chocolate taste fades from your mouth the paranoia kicks into high gear… The evidence must be destroy. While twitching from my sugar high, I hide the empty boxes and silver foil wrappers down deep in the trashcan, under banana peels and coffee grinds and I erase the episode from my mind. I may be an addict but I am a functioning addict. You’ll notice no mention of my husband in this story, that’s because as far as he knows this story NEVER happened! I ate raw kale with a squirt of lemon juice for dressing, did cross-fit for two hours (can I do that in my bedroom) and spend the rest of the night reading romance novels that remind me of him…. I did not eat four boxes of Girl Scout cookies for dinner.  I did not weigh myself and then sit in the corner in cry…. Nope never happened!  Isn’t it just luck that he happened to have to work late tonight.  Like I said “functioning addict”. But I will weather this storm. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. My drug of choice is only available a few weeks out of the year. And come February I will be back to my goal of a healthy life, well right after I eat a heart shaped box of chocolate or two. But for sure by March or April… Oh dang it! Cadbury Eggs and Peeps… Forget it! New Goal… Biggest Looser 2016 here I come!