Let me just start this rant/blog off with a confession. I have been playing tennis for only like a full millisecond on the tennis timeline. But what I lack in the form of tennis years and finesse, I make up in my eagle-eye skills of observation of the obvious (and the occasional heads-up from an honest friend). Sometimes the best views come from a fresh eye and that I have.

I’m in my fourth tennis season now. In the middle of my first season one of my more “seasoned” tennis friends asked me if I had “played with a mean girl yet”? I was completely clueless to what she was talking about. Everyone I had played with at that point was so fun, kind and supportive to the fact that I was a new and a full-on tennis hack. But hey I was trying, right!? Unfortunately it did not take long to meet this not so mystical “mean girl”, or as I now refer to this type of player a “Tennis B”. You all know what the “B” stands for right, here’s a hint, it’s not “buddy”. Or as my son would say “It starts with a B and ends with CH… BATCH!”… only this is not batch either (and he has a saying like this for every cussword incase you where wondering… #MotherOfTheYear If only he could spell on his homework this well). If you can’t figure out what I am saying please discontinue reading this and please never talk to me again. So back to my encounter with the “lovely” girl <insert sarcastic tone and an exaggerated eye roll here> who inspired me to say for the first time in the tennis environment “That girl is a real B!” And bada-bing a new saying in my vocabulary was born. Our meeting happened at an interclub weekly tennis rally, as in at-our-club. It was not at a to-the-death-grudge-match, or a club against club pride match or an end of season playoff… It was simply something the club-pro put together to give members of the club an opportunity to play in the off season. The victor of the match was not getting a blue ribbon or her name on a pretty faux-wood plaque. We are talking 2.5’s-3.0’s here. The score did not ultimately matter in any way shape or form. So what did Mrs. Kindness do, let me reiterate that at this point I was still very green, super humble and scared to hell of the ball. She keep hitting the ball directly AT me, at my face, as hard as she could and then would smirk when the ball hit me as I stood there being deflated. I was shaking mad and almost in tears by the end of the match. Yes, she was a better player than me; no one could deny that. And Yes, she is a total B, no one would deny that either (I asked around… the jury came back in unanimous agreement… total B)! So fast-forward, three seasons later and I am still bitter… It’s right B-I-T-T-E-R!!! When I see here I do a “Hello Newman”… Actually I don’t even look at her. And it is my personal goal in life to hit her in the stomach with an overhead volley, when I learn to hit a good overhead volley. Actually I don’t really want to hit her with the ball (well maybe a little bit) but she did teach me a lesson… Unlike the unicorn, Tennis B’s do exist. It’s not just a game to these B’s… This is their life and they will cut you… or knock out a tooth! So to try to be helpful to my fellow novice tennis players here is a bit of insight into the deep dark world of Tennis B’s. They exist my friends! Tread lightly and carry a big stick, or racket!

The Wham Bam B: Slamming the ball at someone’s face is usually a choice! The Wham Bam B does not think so. It’s her way! But let’s be honest, there are times when slamming a ball at an opponent is ok. For example, if you are in a tiebreaker match, it’s the season finals or the other team you are playing are full of other B’s… then you do what you have to do in those situations! But purposely aiming at someone’s head… I don’t know, it just seems a bit like a full on B move to me! Accidents happen and I know it is smart strategy to aim at the net person… but there is a difference between aiming at the net person and aiming AT the net person… You know what I mean.   We all have had the desire to shove a tennis ball down someone’s throat (see above case in point), but doing it when the score is not on the line or the other players have done nothing to provoke such an attack is another thing. Here is the bottom line JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN “HIT IT” DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD (this principal applies to more than just tennis… actually many single men need to learn this… and a few married ones too). I’m not saying you have to be everyone BFF on the court (or BBF if you read my last post), but no need to attack like you are the last four standing in the Hunger Games. There will be no cannons fired and no faces in the sky at the end of the match.

The Ice-Cream B: This B is as cold as her name. She would steal ice cream from a baby if given the chance. Why? Because she can (well depending on the flavor so would I, but I digress). She picks ON the weak to make herself feel strong.   She is the one who will hit HARD at older people or players not as strong as her. To continuously hitting the ball in a position that an older player or a lower ranked player cannot get when a match is not on the line (non-ranking matches, drills…) is an Ice-Cream B in my book. Of course you want to hit to the best odds, and the less experience player is the way to go. I am not talking about that. We all should be doing that. I am talking about picking on someone. Really going after one player in a non-necessary environment. The environments I am talking about here are situations like interclub (ladies from the same club practicing), drills or local community center tennis. And please note, when I say “old people”, I am not talking about the ladies in the double knee/elbow braces who don’t seem to break a sweat or move more than four steps an entire match. Those women can hold their own! I take a silent satisfaction when I see them school some cocky youngin who is flexing on them. I have also watched these ladies show quite a bit of grace and class when playing with less experience players. They have nothing to prove, they just want to play a good game of tennis. Yes, they can hit a slice/angle shot that their opponent has no hope of returning, but what is the fun in that. Point over… no rally, no fun! So I am not talking about those ladies… They can take care of their own and teach you a thing or two in the meantime. They play with grace. I am talking about women who are still playing for the love of the game, but now have physical limitations that restrict them. I am talking about the older/less experienced player who does not move as fast… So hitting a body shot at her might make you a B and an A-hole! I see this more often than one would think at my local community center drills. Did you catch that… community center drills… Not Wimbledon… Not the US Open… Community tennis center. We have 10 year olds to 75 year olds out there trying to get some exercise, enhance/maintain their skills and have some fun playing King of the Court points. In my not so humble opinion, I believe you should not beaming a ball with all your power at a learning 10 year old, 75 year old with physical limitations or much less experienced player or anyone in general with slower reactions. This does not make you a good player; it makes you a B. To the arrogant B who hits HARD at these players; we get it… you want to stay on the “king side”, you can hit hard and we also get that you are a total B. And please know that we are all talking bad about you while we are waiting our turns to avoid your death-beam. I’m not saying it is not OK to finish a point… but to the point of scaring someone in a friendly drills environment…. That makes you a tennis B, not a good player or person.

Chippy B: Chippy B are not someone who is chippy and happy. This is a B who has a huge CHIP on her shoulder. She says stuff like… “I know I’m an aggressive player and people get mad at me about it…” or “If you can’t take the heat…” or “It’s just a game it’s not personal” anything along those lines, makes a Chippy B. It IS personal if I have to go have my nose reset after playing you in a match and you don’t sincerely apologize for hitting me. If I get blood on my new LuLu tank I’m going to be pissed! It’s personal. If you are just a Negative-Nelly, and throw a temper tantrum and hold up play because you double faulted. It’s personal! If you are a Snarky-Sue and smirk and giggle whenever I double fault… It’s personal! Players are not getting mad that a Chippy B because she’s an “aggressive” player they are mad because they are having to spend their valuable tennis time playing with a B! When a Chippy B say a passive aggressive statement like “I know people think I’m a B when they play me…” they are just looking for the person they are talking with to say something like “Well if they can’t take it maybe they should not be playing at this level…” But what the person the Chippy Bi is talking with is really thinking is “Yup, You’re right… You’re a total B and people talk behind your back because you are overly aggressive and it is rude, so why don’t you dial it back a notch or two!”. That would be the real truth, but no one is going to say that to the Chippy B because no one cares enough about the Chippy B to speak the truth. It’s not worth their effort to confront her. So the person hearing this statement will say some noncommittal thing like “Oh you are just playing the game.” Or “Well you had to hit the shot” only because they don’t care enough to engage with a Chippy B…. Well most people, not me, I’m a Blunt B… that can be in my next blog.

Xanax B: Xanax Bs can bring down the mood of a match quicker than popping any pill. She cries, pouts and Lord knows “this is the WORST she has every played in her entire life”. She will threaten to quit tennis all together. She sucks and she will tell you ALL about it. She will blame her hurt knee, middle finger and third toe for her lack of performance. She did not sleep well last night, her stomach is upset or she worked out too hard the day before. The devil himself is annoyed with her negative attitude and nonstop B-ing. She will be so self-defeating and annoying she brings her partner down to her level. Her partner and all others on the court with her or near her have to do an on-court therapy session just to get her through the rest of the match. And PRAY that you are not the one who has to drive home with her. She spreads her negative vibe like a Jehovah Witness spreads their “word”… Advise… Don’t open the door! And don’t engage… Look away. Nothing you can say will be good enough. If you feed this lion it will only demand more. More advise… Pop a Xanax if you are playing with a Xanax B. It’s your only chance of survival.

Kanye B: Kanye B is the queen at talking DOWN about someone’s rank or playing ability. If you are not roll’n in her pose you are a target. If the words “She’s ONLY a 3.0” ever come out of your mouth in a snarky way when talking about a lower ranked player, then you just might be a Kanye B. If you are just making a general statement about someone’s rank, fine… But there are Kanye Bs out there who act like being a 2.5 or 3.0 is only for peasants. Maybe you are reading this right now thinking “Oh she’s ONLY a 2.5 what does she know about tennis!”   My reply to that is “Hello Kanye B! Don’t be a hater… HATER!” We all started at the bottom and worked our way up.  Maybe becoming a 3.0 might be my Grammy moment. So get off my stage. Taylor wrote her song about the Kanye B. “And all you’re ever gonna be is mean, why you gotta be so mean!” So loose the tude… and don’t be so rude! Most of us low on the totem pole ladies really look up and admire the higher ranked players. And most of these more advanced players are so great and helpful in mentoring us beginners… except for the Kanye Bs. But remember Kanyes… “Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me (with a tennis ball) and all your ever gonna be is mean!”

Bouncy B’s: Bouncy B players are the ladies who have to throw or bounce the ball 10+ times before her serve. Look if you have to throw and catch or bounce your ball more than a few times before each serve you are a Bouncy B. Go practice your toss! As Elsa would say “Let it Go” and hit the flipping ball! Bouncing the ball ten times before serving… You are just slowing play and wasting everyone’s valuable time. I have a bar to get to after this match… Let’s do this thing! Maybe a Bouncy B is good at getting into her opponents heads because chances are good that if she is a Bouncy B she is probably also a Chippy B too! She just does not see that everyone deep down or maybe not that deep down really hates her! So bounce with me bounce with me… and after the 10^th bounce consider yourself labeled a Bouncy B.

The next two Bs are more of “at risk” Bs. They ride the line of potentially becoming a B if they don’t answer the Clue Phone… Ring, Ring, guess what… it’s for you!

Liz Taylor Bs: Liz Taylor B’s are someone who pushes more perfume than the entire Dillard cosmetic department. She is wearing so much Michael Kors Acqua di Vomit, that your eyes cross. Can we just get right to the point here… Perfume and tennis do not mix! Just like Cheerios and Kahlua (don’t judge me). Look perfume should be reserved for…..well….never… but that’s a whole other blog about things I hate… But for the love of all things holy the court is no place for Channel No. 5, 8 or 11. I have a hard enough time huffing on the court without getting a migraine from the shower of stink coming from perfume laden players. Perfume is out! Just say NO! If someone says you smell nice, what they really mean is “Holy Crap did you accidently break the bottle over your head”. Perfume is supposed to be a slight LIGHT aroma you can smell when close up to someone, like in a victory hug or chest bump. A trail of your perfume smell should not follow you like you are Pepe Le Pew and it for sure should not stink up the entire court! Repeat offenders can and will earn the name of Liz Taylor Bs. Giving your doubles partner a migraine before a match more than once earns you spot on the list… so remember “a little dab’ll do ya”.

Dolly B: This one is all about ball placement. I am not talking about placement on the court… I’m talking about placement on your person. In other words where you store the ball you are not at the moment hitting. When holding an extra ball… your sweaty cleavage is NOT a viable option. I don’t care how plentiful the great-divide is… No one wants your boob sweat on a ball they have to hod in their hands in a few minutes. It is generally understood that Dolly Parton could easily hold a lot in her bountiful bust but I’ve never seen her pull her cellphone, lipstick or the second-serve ball out of her cleavage so I’m thinking we should follow her lead and not do that either! Continuing to stuff the balls between your girls, like you are stuffing a turkey will make you a Dolly B. Live and learn… Balls and Boobs should never meet… This is another life lesson many men could take a minute to ponder. Don’t pretend you are not doing a visual of how this could happen… I know GROSS right!

There are so many other B’s I could go on forever… But alas I have a tennis drills I have to run to and I don’t want to be late (and be labeled a Roller B… who rolls into drills/matches whenever she finishes her double soy latte… Ok, I’ll stop now)! So in closing, “To B or not to B” is the question. I am going to do my best to try not to B… But I’m sure I’m on someone’s B list. But I’ll work to be off the B list because life is too short. So unless you are at risk of loosing your Nike sponsorship… relax. Have fun, and keep the balls out of your boobs!